stop the madness

Greetings, friends. I, The Haiku Master, was doing my daily sweep of the world's major news outlets when I came across this troubling report: the case of a Pennsylvania judge who faces fines, dishonor, and public embarrassment, all for trying to execute his god-given right to be armed (link goes to NY Newsday).

Have we become such a society of milquetoasts and old ladies so as to no longer trust its upstanding members with small defenses like keychain pocket knives? (Or, for that matter, brass knuckles, as my Minister of Information discovered when he was arrested at Maryland's BWI airport in January 2003?) Observe the weapon in the Judge's case:

Good For Opening Cellophane Packages And Filing One's Nails, The Swiss Army Keychain Knife Is NOT Suitable For Hijacking Airplanes

Being intimately familiar with a broad range of weaponry, I can assure you that a Swiss Army Keychain Pocket Knife is perfect for:

• Opening small cellophane packages;

• Cleaning one's teeth after lunch;

• Pulling splinters from a lion's paw, so as to better befriend it;

• Filing fingernails; and

• Giving haircuts to midgets.

Note the distinct lack of "hijacking airplanes" on the above list, due to the fact that the knive's biggest blade is an inch-long piece of flimsy steel that can be easily snapped by a rambunctious child. Any adult who gets mugged by one -- much less plane-jacked -- really has no choice but to commit immediate seppuhaiku so as to avoid further embarrassment. Just don't try it with your attacker's weapon, as that would take all day.

So, in retaliation to this and other draconian decisions on the part of the TSA (Shelton's ignomious brass knuckle arrest included), I think it's high time for a Million Human Dumb Weapon Flight Day.

Under this grand scheme, any adult with a fetish for small knives, brass knuckles, nunchuks, throwing stars, electric joy buzzers, peashooters, and the like would descend on airports nationwide, demanding tickets and refusing to lay down our arms 'til served. Ahh, now that would be glorious!

Hopefully someone can get the ball rolling on this, 'cause I'm more of an idea man than a "do" man.

Best,



P.S. Despite being wronged, the Judge still needs to find a better class of friends. What kind of ally gives a cheap-ass Swiss Army Keychain Pocket Knife as a gift?