thank you, st. matthew's churches

Shalom, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master...and I've been doubly blessed by Jesus and the good folks at Tulsa, OK's St. Matthew's Churches!

It all started earlier today. I was going through my mail after returning from Florida, and there, amidst the usual fan letters and bills, was this singular envelope:

This Envelope Brought A Wealth Of Good Fortune To The Haiku Master

As you can imagine, I was one excited Haiku Master! Panting, I tore the envelope asunder...and found a veritable treasure trove waiting inside!

Tulsa, OK's St. Matthew's Churches Sent These Religious Artifacts To The Haiku Master...For Free!

The first document I looked at was a double-sided flyer detailing the many fantastic prizes won by previous recipients of St. Matthew's Churches' Jesus voodoo, including this woman, who was "blessed with $46,000.00 after using prayer rug...":

This Lady Netted A Cool $46K During Her Brief Association With The St. Matthew's Churches Prayer Rug

...and this spry old broad, who was healed of "severe pains" in her left leg simply by placing the Church Prayer Rug over her legs for "a while!":

The St. Matthew's Churches Prayer Rug Isn't Just A Potential Cash Machine -- It Also Gives Its Wielder Strange Healing Powers

Clearly, this St. Matthew's Church Prayer Rug was an artifact of great religious power, not unlike the Shroud of Turin or Marx Brothers Yarmulkes! But I needed to know more before putting it to use.

Reaching back into the pile of goodies, I retrieved a long, rambling letter highlighted with lots of bold text and red underlines -- my kind of writing! This paragraph leapt out at me immediately:

What the-?! Holy Shit! Tell Me More!

Can you believe it? If I was reading this right, St. Matthew's Churches was loaning me, the Sultan of Syllables, the most holy object they possessed! How fantastic is that?! Here's a picture of it; Satan-worshippers should probably avert their eyes:

This Anointed Prayer Rug Is Loaded With God's Holy Blessing Power

Surprisingly, the St. Matthew's Churches Prayer Rug was made of thin paper...but any doubts raised by its earthly vessel were laid to rest when I read the text printed on the back, which assured me: "'This Prayer Rug is soaked with the Power of Prayer for you. Use it immediately, then please return it with your Prayer Needs Checked on our letter to you.' It must be mailed to a second home that needs a blessing after you use it. Prayer works. Expect God's blessing."

At that point, my jaw dropped open in shock. Not only had St. Matthew's Churches used quotes around the first block of text with none around the second, but they also sent their sacred Prayer Rug -- soaked with the Power of Prayer, no less -- to a complete stranger, and trusted said stranger to send it back to them! Was this some kind of sick joke? What kind of naively idiotic organization was I dealing with???

True, the immediate stranger in question was the irreproachable Pharaoh of 5-7-5, but who knew what kind of savage fiend it might go to next?! Possibly even my arch-foe, Haikunestro!

Needless to say, that gruesome possibility must be avoided at all costs, loyal readers. So for the safety of St. Matthew's Churches and the world, I've decided to keep their Prayer Rug here at my top secret base of operations, where it will be far more secure than with potentially villainous strangers.

Besides, I'm sure it'll come in handy on my adventures. God's holy blessing power is one heck of an ace to have up one's sleeve when you're a professional crimefighter like yours truly.

My course of action decided, I went ahead and filled out the form...

The Haiku Master Put In A Request For An Even Newer Car, A Money Blessing, $10 Gazillion Dollars, And Prayers For Bush & Cheney

...and packed it into the postage-paid return envelope. Sans the St. Matthew's Churches Prayer Rug, of course. I'm sure they'll understand once they hear my reasons.

Thanks To This Postage-Paid Return Envelope, It Didn't Cost The Haiku Master A Dime To Take Advantage Of St. Matthews Churches' Fantastic Offer

That's it for now, friends -- time for me to take the Power of Prayer out for a test spin.

Best,