won't get fooled again

Sigh. Hello, readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and a deep, deep, deep, deep vein of disappointment runs through my river tonight... for I am once more alone in a world I never made!!!

Those of you who don't watch MTV or The Simple Life will have no problem recalling my hope that this man and I might be related:

Unfortunately, my dreams were for naught. Earlier today, one of my agents tracked down the other Homo Cabbagien's true identity, and it turns out he's just a plain old Homo Sapien -- Canadian actor Bruce McCulloch, a.k.a. Mr. Big Fat Fraud!!

Canadian Actor Bruce McCulloch Pulled A Fast One On The Haiku Master

As you can see, he doesn't actually have cabbage hair. The cabbage he's wearing in the first picture is just a wig for a character named (har, har) "Cabbage Head" on some hick comedy show out of Canada called Kids in the Hall. Which leads me to doubt the authenticity of his cigar and smoking jacket, as well.

Furthermore, this character is clearly based on me, The Haiku Master. As a result, my attorney Johnnie Cochran is already examining the many ways in which we will wring every Canadian penny out of McCulloch -- if that is his real name! -- for this flagrant copyright and trademark infringement. Turning me, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5, into some kind of sketch comedy material! How dare he?! Now I know how Hunter S. Thompson felt when he flipped open the paper one morning and saw Doonesbury's Honey staring up at him!

Far worse than the financial aspect, however, is the emotional toll this episode has waged on yours truly. After years of searching, I thought I'd finally found another of my kind, someone who could explain my true origin... only to discover it was all some sick joke for McCulloch's amusement. Shame on you and you cheap cabbage wig, McCulloch! Shame on you both!

I suppose that's it for now. In the meantime, if you see McCulloch, please give him a swift kick in the ass.

Best,