one if bin laden, two if haiku, pt. II

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CHAPTER II

After bin Laden issued his challenge, the store's clerk, Heather, did the wise thing and ducked below the counter for safety. Purgatory's other patrons took similar actions...but such easy roads are not traveled by the one true Sultan of Syllables!

My heart was beating like an alligator as I turned to face the OBL posse. "All right, bin Laden! You want a fight? You got one! Prepare to face...my Deadly Hands of Haikung Fu!!!"

I leapt forward with the feared Cobra Kai technique referred to as the Kirk Foot Lunge, but soon realized I was hopelessly outmatched! These wiry bastards employed some kind of bizarre "camel fu" I'd not previously encountered, and had no problem in landing one hump-like blow after another on my increasingly sore noggin!

Within minutes, they had beaten me to the ground! Me -- The Haiku Master! Can you believe it? 'Cause I still can't! But there I was, blood pouring from my nose, my ascot astray...and bin Laden pointing his Afghan war revolver straight at my face!!

"Give thanks and praise, you cabbage-headed infidel!" bin Laden said. "For now, I send you to whatever paradise you believe--"

"HAIKU-YA!!!" cried a new voice.

I can't properly describe what happened next, loyal readers. I saw a blur of pink, and a galosh-wearing foot kicked the gun from bin Laden's hand! Then, more bacon than I've ever seen began to fly through the air -- fat, greasy slices of uncooked ham, cascading down on the heads and shoulders of the OBL posse!

Bacon Is To Islamic Fundamentalists As Garlic Is To Vampires

"Sweet Mother of Mohammed!" one of them shouted.

"The infidels have cursed us!" spat another, who looked suspiciously like Sesame Street's Bert.

"Gah!" said bin Laden in disgust. "We are unclean! Unclean! Quickly, we must retreat -- to the bin Laden-mobile!"

Kevin Bacon, On The Other Hand, Pisses Off Fundamentalists Of All Faiths With That Sinful Footloose Dancing Of His

Just like that, bin Laden and his men were gone, giving me a chance to get a good look at my rescuer -- and it was a she!

This valkyrie was wearing a sassy pink top with "HG" emblazoned across the front, a fuzzy white cape and matching mask, black leather skirt, and the most stupendous galoshes I'd ever seen. Her fabulous outfit was topped off by a pair of perky pigtails and pink, Audrey Hepburn-style sunglasses. She moved towards me with a worried look on her face, and I noticed an incredibly funky ring flashing on her right hand.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

I never got the chance to answer, for at that point my world went black.

Which is a fancy way of saying, "me went nappy-time." In case you were confused.

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