old man winter must die

Face front, 'ku believers! Do it now! Pronto! I, The Haiku Master, am in no mood for tomfoolery tonight! For I've spent the whole day battling Old Man Winter -- and I'm not speaking figuratively!

Old Man Winter Demonstrates His Deadly Sub-Zero Breath

He woke me early this morning, apparently using the spare key from 'neath my welcome mat to gain entrance to my top secret base of operations. Once inside, he started to cause a real ruckus: throwing my records around, knocking over an end table, even upturning the trashcan!

Fortunately, my advanced Haiku Master hearing works even in repose, and I pounced from my bed in a powerful fighting stance! Rushing into the hallway, I saw O.M.W. flee into the kitchen, and chased him down like the rat he was!

"Hello, H.M.," he said smugly, helping himself to a fresh box of Samoans. "Don't mind if I just...chill out here? Do you?"

I'd heard enough. "Why you frostbitten old fraud!" I bellowed. "What's the big idea, busting into my place at eleven-thirty and making a mess? I'll make you fill your Depends for this effrontery!"

"That's it, momma's boy!" he cried, dumping the Samoans onto the kitchen floor. "It is on!"

On it was, the two of us going at it like a couple of brain-damaged billygoats: O.M.W.'s witchy winter powers against my Cobra Kai Haikung Fu! We fought tooth and nail for six straight hours, and finally, with my last bit of strength, I sent my opponent flying out the front door with a well-placed Crane Kick to the ass!

"And don't come back, you dog!" I added for good measure.

As I watched Old Man Winter scurry down the street, I knew in my heart of hearts he'd return, and would eventually have to be dealt with in a more permanent manner. But that will have to wait for another time...for my sources tell me that the world's leading super-villain, Osama bin Laden himself, has been spotted in Minneapolis, MN!

The Sultan of Syllables has been tracking that creep for a long time, friends, and it looks like I'll finally get my chance to bring him to justice! Plus, it'll give me a chance to check up on these juicy tabloid rumors about a City of Lakes-based crimefighter who's been using the moniker "Haiku Girl."

If nothing else, I understand you can get a world-class cup of java at Purgatory Coffee. We'll see!

Best,